TODAY- Department of Waistband Security.
This is not a test. Urgent intelligence information has been released by the US Department of Waistband Security. Several weight gain terrorists have been sighted in neighborhoods across the nation. Terrorists have infiltrated local establishments and we suspect the infiltration is related to US holiday celebrations this weekend. This is an extremely dangerous situation and we are doing the best we can to identify and eliminate the terrorists. The public’s help is urgently needed to effectively contain the situation. The terrorists are dressed in flashy packaging, seem friendly, and like they would be fun to have at a cookout or party. See Figure 1 below.
See what I mean by friendly? The public is strongly cautioned NOT to bring these terrorists into homes. Close encounters with the terrorists will result in an initial sense of euphoria, that is followed by gastrointestinal discomfort, bad mood, sluggishness, horror, sleepiness, regret, guilt, loudly shrieking “Agh! Why did I eat so much!”, elevated blood sugar, weight gain, and uncontrollable yet unexplainable desire to have additional close encounters.
With a highly classified government owned photo-taking communication device (aka, camera phone) we were able to capture photos of the terrorists as they roamed local grocery stores preying on unsuspecting holiday revelers. Please review these photos and avoid anyone and anything resembling these photos. See Figures 2-7 below.
Emergency preparedness plan. The public is cautioned to protect itself in this highly dangerous situation by arming itself with this artillery, all of which is now available at local grocery stores. See Figures 8-13 below.
Thank you for your cooperation. Controlling this emergency situation will require everybody’s effort. It is expected that the terror threat will lift on Tuesday, although flare ups are expected throughout the summer.
Have a healthy and happy holiday!
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